I self-medicated for around 10 years to save the general public from me

From aroundabouts the time I was 10 or 11 I would fuck up people’s days or relationships or families or their entire life trajectory for the sheer fun of it. For a laugh.

I broke up my best friends parents when I was about 12, after leaving trojans on dozens of computers — mostly to get dial up passwords or store some movies on their c:\ drives. I found some conversations with my friends dad and some people online, and instead of extorting him (another possibility I’ve since realized in hindsight) I did a big reveal.

I write ‘for fun & profit’ often online — but during my prodromal years I did these kinds of interpersonal hacks sheerly for fun.

My friend lost his family unit, the family house, the whole shabang.

Eventually I become angered with self that I was being this kind of person. Regret. Shame. When I was 18 or so I became heavily medicated and for better or worse tried to be a better person. By the time I was 22 I was on far larger doses of illicit materials to self-medicate — mostly because the medical establishment is useless, probably misdiagnosed me and to this day hasn’t even been medicating me for the stuff they’ve arbitrarily labeled me with.

Regardless, I’m now about two months sober and there’s a certain boredom kicking in. A familiar one.

I’m not my audience, and I need to know my self worth. This puts me in a dangerous path towards feeling superior to everyone I interact with again. I used to jokingly call it my ‘God complex.’

My roommate wrote me and said ‘I may have another desk you can have one’ and I wrote him back ‘I really don’t care, it’s so incredibly mundane and routine. Pedestrian. Boring.’

I’m again in a mood to just fuck shit up for the sake of fucking shit up. Arm the homeless, arm the natives, arm everyone who’s got qualms like mine.

Tear it all down. Dismantle from within.

The problem is that now I have significantly more experience fucking shit up for profit. Wealth, accumulation of. I have hundreds of GitHub repos fucking shit up. Hacking.

I tell local people constantly ‘I’m not a hacker’ when they ask me to do stuff like fix their credit by infiltrating government computers for tens of thousands of dollars. Or hack into a closed circuit video system at the liquor store to see what happened Saturday night.

Wealth. And capital, access of.

Moreover, I also have training to be deadly in the field of combat. Rather, we’d aim to maim. Takes 2 out if 1 removes the injured from the battlefield.

5 shots all within a nickel, if ya dig. After a 5km run and 13km march with a 70lb backpack and then carrying a person a hundred meters. Or whatever. This was designed to emulate the physical stress of battle.

I’m no longer physically capable of that but it certainly makes me wonder about arming and training the financially disenfranchised. Let ’em loose and see what they do.

Reminds me of one of my recent tweets:

It’s not a threat I guess to any one person or establishment but it certainly makes me feel like the more humane option is to fuck up people and their day or their lives for a distraction again.

The lesser of two evils.